Friends! I’m not sure where to start….

It’s about this house we bought. The adorable dollhouse on the outside, but totally 80′s Mrs. Nesbit inside.

There are some super RAD features inside, like flower shaped toilet seats and rose embedded bathroom sinks…but this friends….THIS takes the cake. I am pretty sure when this house was built in 1983, these features where top of the line….

The master bathroom.

The jetted tub. Now, I haven’t done my research, but by the look and layout of this jetted tub, I’m pretty sure they had JUST BEEN INVENTED. Check it.

The color. The tile. The step. The fact that it is only about 8 inches deep. The giant bay window flower garden setting…or whatever that is called.

BUT…that’s not all.

On the wall to the right of the tub, completely OUT OF REACH from in the tub is the “Control Panel” for the tub. This is A LOT like the hot tub at your finest Super 8 motel….you walk around the corner turn the dial and you are ready to rock…

This…friends is AWESOME.

Let’s break this down cuz you all need to know what this dial in MY master bathroom actually says.

DO NOT TURN ON PUMP UNTIL THE TUB HAS BEEN FILLED WITH AT LEAST 8″ OF WATER. <– It’s in all CAPS. Even in the 80′s people used ALL CAPS WHEN THEY WANT TO YELL AT SOMEONE!

Turn timer to the desired length of Ultra Jet massage. If the water is hot, the RECOMMENDED LENGTH OF BATH IS 5 MINUTES. <– Ahh, how wonderfully relaxing. I can really unwind in 5 minutes.

If you plan to use the Ultra Jet to stimulate and refresh before a busy day or important evening activities, use warm water. <– BAHAHAHAHAHA……REALLY?!? Directions…..REALLY?? Wait..maybe they just mean like before dinner at IHop or something. But wait….they don’t tell us HOW LONG we can be in warm water?? What do we do???

Use hot water only when you plan to use just before bedtime and want an exceptionally restful night’s sleep. <– but ya only get 5 minutes…so make the best of it.

Do not use directly after eating. <PAUSE – WHAT!?!> DO NOT USE SOAP OIL OR BUBBLE BATH BEFORE OR DURING YOUR HYDROTHERAPY TREATMENT. <– Yelling again, awesome! What is soap oil? “hydrotherapy treatment” – could I charge for that service…I would totally be willing to rent out my 80′s garden jet tub out for treatments….

Turn the air head counter clockwise for more action. <– HAHAHAHA! This thing says “for more action”. (I know…I’m like a 12 year old)

With regular use YOU WILL LOOK AND FEEL YOUNGER.

This tub situation puts me in a tight spot. I really wanted to remodel my master bath….but after breaking down the features/rules of this tub, I might have to keep it. I mean, what if I forget how long I am supposed to be in HOT water. What if I forget how to get an exceptionally restful nights sleep…. What if I forget….well…you know…. I have too much to lose if I get rid of this tub…

Friends don’t let friends get rid of The ULTRA JET Hydrotherapy Systems.